Part Two: This series focuses on how to effectively use online dating as a way to meet potential mates. Step two is how to move a good dating prospect from an online wink to a real date.

In the first article of the series we looked at how to write an effective online profile. The next step is learning how to respond to the men who are interested in you so that you minimize risk and maximize success.

Typically the first contact you receive is a “wink” – basically an e-mail saying that someone is interested in you. So you go to his profile and check him out. Let’s say you like what you see so you respond with a yes, meaning that now he can contact you further via e-mail. Let’s say you like what he says about himself in his first e-mail, or even better, his curiosity about you. Next you have a couple of steps to move through in order to discover whether or not he’s good dating material.

E-mail

First of all, beware the guy who wants to court you via e-mail. Lengthy e-mails, poetry and long autobiographies – all are appropriate as a plus in a developing face-to-face relationship. But as a starting point it’s too much too soon. Some men are too comfortable online and this can be a sign that he’s socially inept. He procrastinates asking you for a phone call or a real date because he’s insecure in those arenas. How to handle this: a short e-mail response thanking him for the poem or life story, then suggesting that it may be time to get to know one another over the phone. If he goes for that, move to the next step in the process. If not, move on.

Telephone

If he’s a smart guy, he’s going to ask for your phone number. Have a number at which you can comfortably receive calls. Your office number may be good because: (a.) You can keep the conversation short, and (b.) If an unwanted suitor doesn’t get the hint, you can have your assistant screen calls. Some women like to get a temporary personal cell phone that they can later cancel if a problem develops. Never give out your home number until you really know the guy.

What to listen for: Connection! He’s interested in you: asks good, relevant questions. When you speak, he listens and asks clarifying questions. You like the sound of his voice – it gives you a warm feeling. He’s smart – you feel like he’s your intellectual equal. When he talks about his work or the details of his life (divorced, children, career, etc.), you get the feeling that he’s the real deal – authenticity resonates in the way he speaks. His agenda seems to primarily be getting to know you as opposed to pushing you into a date. On the flip side: he’s definitely interested in a date – he doesn’t wait too long to ask you out.

Setting up first dates

If everything lines up in the first phone call and he asks you out, you accept – with conditions. First, you need some guidelines for first dates so that you never again find yourself on one of those agonizing, long evening dates with someone you don’t like. The very first date has one purpose: to determine whether or not you want another date. So keep it short: 30 minutes to an hour. Meet there – never have a guy pick you up for a date until you do a thorough background check plus feel really comfortable with him.

Let’s say he asks for a dinner date for the first time out. Gently tell him that you would prefer a short meeting first just to find out whether or not either one of you wants to invest in dating. Offer to meet at a coffee or lunch venue and give him some alternative dates/times.

If he objects to the short, meet you there date, red flags should fly. If he continues to push, turn your acceptance into a decline; i.e., “I’m sorry, but I don’t think this is going to work out, so I’m going to decline.” If he backs away at that point, let him. It’s very rare, but there are a small number of predatory men who troll the online dating sites looking for an easy mark. Those guys like to control every date so that it’s an opportunity for seduction.

Minimize risk, maximize success.

With this e-mail, telephone to first date process, you minimize the risk of exposure to someone you don’t want in your life. You maximize success by setting good boundaries: short e-mails and phone calls, then a short first date. In Part Three of the series, we’ll look at how to manage the first few dates for maximum success while continuing to mitigate risk.