This series focuses on the right dating behavior and how to make the best choices so that you land in a wonderful relationship!

The stall. Maybe you recognize yourself in this scenario. You meet a guy, someone with whom you feel chemistry, and it is mutual; how do you know? He pays attention to you, your conversations are stimulating, he says all the right things, and he makes sure he has all your contact information. He calls, you go out, and again, you have a wonderful time. Maybe you go out again, maybe the relationship advances a few more dates or not. But at some point, he stalls. What do you do?

If you have ever succumbed to the temptation to take the lead instead of taking your cues*, you did one of the following, believing that he needed a little nudge of encouragement from you:

1. You called and invited him to a party, a date or an event

2. You called just to talk, hoping he would get the hint and ask you out again

3. You emailed and shared a quote, an article or some news

4. You text messaged and asked him to meet you somewhere

What is the result of nudging him? Sometimes, nothing happens – he simply doesn’t respond. Sometimes your reward is more dates, but that isn’t always a good thing. Why? Because taking the lead means forfeiting the absolutely delicious feeling of being pursued by a worthy man.

Taking the lead, for a woman, initially feels powerful. "I’m in charge; I’m liberated; I don’t need to be passive and wait around!" you exclaim to yourself. And at first, it’s true. But when you take the lead, he can only follow, and this goes against the grain for most men and women.

Men are wired to be hunters, so pursuing a woman is natural for him. Most men feel frustrated when robbed of the role of pursuer, except in the case of settling for less. He may allow a woman to pursue, and enjoy her company, but this is not typically the relationship that inspires him to propose; usually, it’s a settle-for relationship that he leaves when he meets the woman who rolls his socks down (and allows him to pursue).

Because most women are wired to want to be pursued, taking the lead results in an off-balance relationship. Lacking the benefit of his having to make an effort to be with you, you wonder deep down how invested he is in you. This feeds a growing sense of neediness – wanting him to do more to demonstrate his love and devotion. Feeling needy, you may interact in ways that are not attractive, such as nagging and complaining about his lack of certain behaviors that you long for.

Taking your cues. When you take your cues, you allow the natural dance of relationships between men and women to occur. You meet, you feel the chemistry, and you make sure he knows you’re interested. How? Eye contact, warmth, responsiveness, interest in him (asking questions about his life), and open body language. Bottom line: be yourself, and if he’s the right guy, he will be interested and he will pursue! But suppose he seems interested at first yet stalls later. How do you handle this?

The first step is having the correct belief system. If you believe that a guy needs a nudge from you in order to ask you out, interrupt that belief with this one: If he’s the right guy (i.e., a strong man with a good heart), he will pursue because he’s smart enough to know how to do that. Hang onto that thought and trust the process. I’ve counseled and coached hundreds of men over twenty or so years in practice, and I can assure you that the good guys always find a way to pursue desirable women. The men who don’t pursue readily always have significant emotional issues.

A few dos and don’ts: Don’t wait by the phone; do call back promptly if he calls; don’t keep your evenings open hoping he’ll call and fill them; do say you’re busy that night but how about an alternative day/time? Don’t play games; do be authentic and honest without laying all your cards on the table at once.

Taking your cues doesn’t stop with the first handful of dates. Letting a guy pursue allows the development of a well-balanced, loving relationship. It’s an old-fashioned notion, I know, but courtship is truly the successful path for both men and women. We’ve lost that idea in recent years, but I’m all for a revival of it because it works so well.

*To find out more about the temptation to take the lead, see Nina’s book, Temptations of the Single Girl: the Ten Dating Traps You Must Avoid.