I admit it: I am not very good at balancing my commitments to work and family. I am guilty of bringing work home with me, both physically and mentally. I have also resented my work choices and even my bosses and fellow employees for the demands placed upon me that pull me away from family time. The answer to this common dilemma is usually some form of "put your family first." We've all heard the "on the deathbed" speech about wishing to have spent more family time, never one more hour at the office. And we've all heard the studies, the headlines and the sermons indicating the virtues of putting family above all.

The problem with this advice is that for most of us, it presents a false either/or. Choosing to go to work and work hard is not a choice against our family -- we go to work precisely because of our commitment to our family!

We want to provide for them materially so as to create the best home environment, a place where individual family members can thrive without having to carry the burden of food, shelter and transportation. We also go to work because it provides for us individually a measure of personal success and fulfillment -- at least it should. So many of us feel torn between work and family as if they really are at odds with each other.

And so we vacillate between putting too much emphasis on work while striving to "put our family first."

But I have a different way of looking at it. It may seem heretical to even ask this question, but is it really best for me to put my "family first"? This motto seems to be the rallying cry for every family-strengthening organization. Whether it's "Put your family first," or "Remember, family comes first," or some other variation, the emphasis is always the same - be sure to prioritize the interests of the family above any and all others, especially your own. No wonder Dr. Phil's latest blockbuster book is simply entitled Family First (which, despite the title, is a pretty good book).

In order to actually achieve the work/family balance we seek, something else needs to come first - you. Think about it for a moment. What is the common denominator in my work life and my family life? You. Who is the only one capable of finding a balance between the two? You are. By learning to focus more on yourself, you begin to release both work and family from having to balance your life for you. You can grow to the point of seeing both areas as interconnected and seeing your personal integrity as the first priority if you're going to have any chance of keeping them balanced.

But most of us find this very difficult. And it leads us into a  self-defeating cycle. Here's how it works: Feeling guilty about spending too much time at work, we start to lie to our family. We begin to put forth the false message of telling our kids that if we didn't have to work, we'd be right there with them. We may be burning the midnight oil at the office or traveling the globe making deals, but we'd always rather be home with our family. Somehow we think expressing that desire or intention will make things better. The problem is that such an expression is a lie. And our children know it. I cannot tell my kids I would rather be with them as they see me choosing to be somewhere else. I cannot choose to be at work and then express to them that I wish I were home.

Such a statement is simply not true, because if I would rather be home then I would be home! I know, I know, I can already here some of you crying out, "But I have to go to work!" But that type of attitude is the  reason the "either work or home" choice is a false dichotomy. No, you don't have to go to work. And no, you don't have to go home. Those are both choices you make every day. Yes, the consequences of choosing not to go to either work or home could be very severe, but that does not eliminate your freedom to choose. And when we choose to be at work instead of going home, our kids know it. And that's okay. It's okay that we choose to go to work because we enjoy it, and it helps us provide for our families. It's okay that we want to be at work instead of being at home because we are still individuals who have our own lives apart from those of our kids'. We do not need to tell our kids that we would always rather be with them; that puts too much pressure on them to "be our whole world" anyway.

The truth is, family is not our whole world and neither is work. Both are integral parts of our world, and they mutually affect and benefit one another. The trouble is not that they are diametrically opposed to one another; the problem is that we lack the personal integrity to fully own our choices. We keep waiting for work to slow down or family life to get easier so that we can finally achieve balance. Until then we just feel guilty and start listening to the "family first" proclamations. But guilt is hardly a good enough motivation to rush home and be with our kids. That treats them as an obligation and a burden, and it leads us to need them to be a certain way when we are with them. Think about it: I feel guilty because I've been spending too much time at work, so I rush home to be with my family. Or I schedule a long weekend or vacation with them. This makes me feel a little better, and it also gives me a very strong desire that our family time together go extremely well.

But then it doesn't. The kids are whiny, the plans are changing, the mood is sour and my spouse is unhappy. This is not what I wanted!! I could have had all this at work, and I could be catching up on all the e-mails and paperwork waiting for me back at the office. But no, I can't think about that, because I need to "put my family first." Until I start longing to get back to the office to get away from the family and start spending more and more time there. Then the cycle starts all over again. Sound familiar? I know it does, because this struggle is almost universal. And I believe there is one way out -- learning to focus more on ourselves.

This means I pursue both work and family life for my own personal enjoyment. I find work that I love and that helps me provide the best environment for myself and my family to thrive. I work to create a family life that values individuality and balance and self-respect, so that everyone is free to pursue both individual and family pursuits.

I focus on me because "I" is the subject of all these sentences. I need to be at my best in order to make any of this happen. I need to focus on me so that I can truly be present at both work and home. I am the one I am responsible for, and that means I am responsible to both my work and my family. That means I had better focus on my continued growth for everyone else's benefit.

Are you ready to begin?

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This article has been reprinted from ScreamFree.com.