The holidays are a huge engagement season - prime time for popping the question and setting the date for a wedding. But seasonal timing may not match the timing of the heart. Here’s what to do when they don’t line up.

Have you been dating someone for a significant period of time with a high level of involvement? Do you feel the pressure to get engaged over the holidays? For many couples in this situation, the expectation of getting engaged ratchets up with every DeBeers commercial you watch together. Family and friends may unwittingly add to the pressure as well. Your inner voice may ask, “How many more holidays do I have to get through before I’m celebrating them with my own family?”

If you find yourself distracted with this dilemma to the point that you’re talking about it with your colleagues at work, gathering people’s opinions and trying to figure out what to do, it’s time to take a step back. Here are some things to consider before acting.

When he pulls you into jewelry stores to look at rings, are you excited and happy or do you have a feeling of dread? If you’re not ready to get engaged, and your sweetheart is, you may find yourself on the horns of a dilemma. Should you stay quiet about it, hoping it will all pass? The answer to that question is: absolutely not! The worst thing you can do is withdraw from open, honest communication. Now is the time to talk, as it always is when you have a significant issue looming like the proverbial elephant in the room.

It’s time for a “you and me” conversation. Sit down with your guy and bring up the issue in a safe, non-threatening way. Don’t be defensive or evasive. Instead, be open and honest. If you’re not ready, say so and why. “I feel the pressure is on this year to get engaged, and I’m not ready. I want to do this when it feels right inside, not just because it’s the holidays.”

Of course, this talk will go well if your intentions are straight and true. If you really love this man and see a future with him, then you will be able to share from your heart and thus reassure him that all is well and you are on the path to engagement and marriage.

If, on the other hand, you aren’t sure of your feelings for him, you will have a rockier road. Your “you and me” talk may unearth the core of the issue - that you’re not sure you will ever commit because you’re not sure you’re with the right person. This, of course, is the heart of why so many couples avoid this conversation like the plague. But by avoiding it, you are trading a cupful of pain today for a barrel full of suffering tomorrow. If you want to develop real emotional muscle and grow, dare to have the conversation and let the chips fall. You will both then be free to pursue what you really want - a mutually loving and committed relationship.

Maybe you’re the one who is ready to get engaged. You may be tempted to pressure him into popping the question during the holidays, but this would not be your most powerful path. Most men look forward to getting engaged with a vision of being the one to decide the timing. He sees himself buying the ring (perhaps after feedback from you about your taste in jewelry) and surprising you with a proposal in a romantic setting. He pictures you in happy awe, throwing your arms around him and exclaiming “yes!” while he slips the ring on your finger. What he doesn’t picture is feeling obligated to relieve your anxiety about commitment by moving forward before he is ready.

Should you hold your anxious feelings inside and simply wait? Absolutely not. This “you and me” conversation should revolve around seeking resolution for any doubt you may have about his long-term intentions. The one question you need an answer to at this time is this: Am I the right woman for you? So ask and listen; listen between the lines, and don’t leave the conversation until you get that solid feeling in your gut that you know exactly where you stand with him. If you wind up with the sense that he’s not sure of a future with you, then you have some choices to make for yourself. Take your time evaluating the relationship - don’t jump to conclusions or spring into break-up mode. Let yourself listen to your own inner voice over the next few weeks - that voice that will tell what is in your greatest good. Then you will be prepared to act.

If you come away from the conversation clear that he sees you as the one, but he’s not yet ready to get engaged, it’s time to show some emotional maturity. Give him the grace and the space to propose when he’s ready. Tell him that you’re confident in his ability to choose the right timing and to do the right thing. He will thrive on your confidence in him and your obvious self-confidence. What a positive platform for a future engagement!

Until you have this turning point conversation, avoid the water cooler advice at work. It’s easy for everyone to weigh in with an opinion, creating confusion for you. Far more challenging, yet rewarding, is to find your own way through positive communication with your partner.

Copyright 2007 by Nina Atwood, All Rights Reserved

12/17/07 - permission granted to w2wlink.com to print this article