Five Keys to Speaking Up About the Things That Weigh You (and Your Relationships) Down
In any relationship, issues will inevitably arise from time to time that have the potential to create tension and conflict. It's not the issues themselves that are the main cause for relationship breakdown but how you go about addressing them. Many of us struggle to effectively speak up about the issues that cause feelings of resent, frustration or downright anger, with the end result that what isn’t talked out gets acted out … in cheap shots, innuendos, moodiness or the "silent treatment." Needless to say, the cost can be profound. Not only will it undermine the mood in your family, friendships or workplace but it can have a serious impact on your emotional, mental and physical health.
Five Keys for Gathering Your Courage to Speak Up
1. Tap Your Heart, Box Your Ego
Every conversation provides an opportunity to build or erode trust. As tempting as it may be to make the other person "wrong" in order to make yourself "right," doing so never serves you or your relationship. Your ego’s prime concern is you looking good (or avoiding looking bad). Putting your ego in its box means letting go of your need to play safe or to win your case -- to resort to silence or violence. Instead, reflect on what you really want to achieve for yourself, the other person and the relationship. For instance, do you really want to make your assistant feel inferior or do you want to create a more productive and rewarding work environment? Do you really want to hurt your spouse’s feelings or would you rather build a more loving marriage?
2. Question Your Own Stories and Listen to Theirs
As human beings we live in stories – about ourselves, other people and the situations in which we find ourselves. The issue isn’t that we have stories, but rather believing that our stories are “the truth.” The real truth is that you don’t see the world as it is, but as you are. It therefore pays for you to challenge your own stories about a situation and consider alternative perspectives. Be particularly vigilant for “victim” and “villain” stories which leave you free of any role in the circumstances you find yourself in.
Not only can your stories roadblock fruitful communication, but so too can your lack of understanding of others' stories. Taking the time to genuinely listen to and understand another’s story is the single most powerful communication tool there is, as it not only builds trust and respect, but it makes others less defensive and more receptive to your opinions (growing your influence in the process).
3. Manage Emotions Starting With Your Own
Like it or not, we human beings are innately emotional creatures. Since we can’t choose not to experience an emotion, we have to learn how to manage them once they arise. Only by doing so can we effectively respond to other people’s emotions or pursue fruitful dialogue with them.
It begins with self awareness; simply noticing the emotions that you’re experiencing in any given moment: fear, anger, jealousy, hurt. No emotion is “bad” or “wrong”; it is what it is. It’s whether or not our response to that emotion serves us (and those around us) or not that is good or bad. When it comes to speaking up there is nothing wrong with feeling nervous, awkward or completely terrified. In fact, it’s normal. However what doesn’t serve you is when you give these emotions the power to determine whether or not you will address issues diminishing the quality of your relationships. Remember, courage isn’t the absence of fear, it's action in its presence. When it comes to managing others' emotions, don’t descend to their level. If someone is getting furious, be curious. Model the change you want to see in others. It begins with you.
4. Speak To the Listening
The meaning of communication is not defined by what is being said, but by what is being heard. The only way to influence or persuade someone is to speak to the context from which they are listening. Ways to help you be more effective at this are to:
- Be authentic: If you are feeling nervous just share it.
- Begin with the “Facts First” and avoid absolutes. You’re guaranteed to offend when you present your opinions as “The Truth”.
- Tentatively share your opinion or "story" using language that allows for other possibilities, e.g. “It seems to me like …”
- Stay focused on the future and stay mindful of your highest intention (i.e. keep your ego in check!).
5. Seek Progress, Not Perfection
Speaking up may never be easy for you, but it will always open the window to more open and rewarding relationships. At times you may stumble as you try to express yourself. Don’t beat yourself up but learn what you can and move on. Regardless of whether you can immediately resolve the issue, at least make a commitment to ongoing dialogue. This alone can ease tension and build trust in your relationship.
As with everything in life, it is ultimately a matter choice ... your choice! Choosing to be committed to your own happiness and self expression will allow you to find the courage to give voice to the issues weighing you down and standing in the way of your enjoyment of the professional success and personal happiness that you want. Remember, if there is something you genuinely want to say, then chances are there’s someone who genuinely needs to hear it. In conversations, as in life, you are capable of more than you think you are. Get talking!
Written originally for w2wlink.com, by Margie Warrell.
This is an important topic because often times the ability to speak your mind is a way that people identify you as a leader versus just a doer. It helps others gain confidence in your ability if they know what you're thinking and that you have a definitive position on topics or an ability to ask the right questions to uncover or resolve issues. Some practical tips towards gaining confidence to speak your mind include preparation and building relationships. Become an expert in your area of responsibility. Be someone who is knowledgeable so that your opinion is valued by others. Building relationships builds confidence because it gives you the opportunity to bounce ideas off of others and potentially make it easier to speak up among people that you know. You will also learn that others share similar thoughts and questions which adds comfort when speaking your mind.
It's important to agree with a person and if in disagreement, ensure it is clear you are opposing only the idea, and not in a disagreement with that individual. You can have varying views and still build rapport.
Great tips in this article. Clear, concise and easy to follow. But here is my question to you all: What happens when you have to deal with being the only woman in the room (happens often) AND also the cultural minority. I live in Quebec, which is a country within a country, a place where issues of languages arise too often but also of origin. Here stereotypes run amock.... Have any of you had any experience with those issues?
Margie Warrell,
is an executive and life coach, Speaker and Best Selling Author of Find Your Courage! A mother of four young children, Margie is passionate about helping women pursue the goals that inspire them with greater clarity, confidence and courage. A dynamic keynote speaker her clients include NASA, ExxonMobil, Verizon and Accenture.
